Lately I look at my life and realise it's not what I ever imagined it to be. My home is not as clean and organised as I'd like to believe it one day will be, my head isn't as straight and compartmentalised as I desperately need it to be at times and sometimes it's completely and totally monotonous. Every day it's wake up, make breakfast, take the girls to school, come home, clean, work, make lunch, play or read with Amelia, go back out to school, come home, make dinner, clean, play, bathe, put the girls to bed, come back downstairs and work or collapse. Doing this day in and day out is hard for someone who craves adventure but I do know that I crave the idea more than the reality.
I dream of being one of those people who can pick up and leave while living out of a small travel bag. I'm not one of those people and I highly doubt I ever will be. I crave constants in my life be it from my possessions or the people around me and I've never quite learned how to forego routine completely. I will never be spontaneous as even my spontaneous decisions are quickly calculated in my brain from cost to time consumption to reward. Sometimes I say no to doing things that are completely and utterly worthwhile for my soul because the idea of it not being 90% good comes into my brain and ruins everything. Overthinking has cost me opportunities and has made it very difficult to let go of everything from possessions to past experiences.
I guess that's just who I am and no matter how many times and ways I try to change this about myself it'll always creep back in. I am inherently a creature of comfort, habit and structure but I crave excitement and a break from the norm. I vow to help myself this month by breaking the rules - but just a little. This means taking my coffee outside on days when it isn't hideously pouring with rain or hail even if I'm wrapped in blankets to enjoy the dogs running around and exploring like it's the first time every time. I'm going to try something new from a menu in a restaurant and not feel bad about wasting money if it's something I'm not particularly fond of. I'm going to embrace the organised chaos of my home (well - I do know where everything is, after all), take a detour from school to the park if it's a bright sunny day and if I have to work all night for two nights in a row to be able to take a night off on a Friday to embrace having my kids stay up late and just being with them? That's going to be just fine.
I believe life is there for us to make the most out of and I don't feel I'm making the most of even the small slice of domesticity I've been gifted enough to have. I lead a sheltered life in terms of adventure and excitement but it's a good life and this part doesn't last forever. Breaking the small routines to make way for new experiences may be all I need for that small dose of happy that seems to be missing from a few aspects of my life.
So while I'm not booking a plane ticket to somewhere far away and exotic with a bag on my back and not a care in the world, I will be taking my coffee outside.
Ella, I think you just hit the nail right on the head! You, for sure, are not alone with this, you practically described my outlook on 'careers'. After studying something arty and working within a creative environment, you would think I was incredibly happy with my 'excitingly creative' job… How very wrong. Lack of contracts, stable income and security. Now it's time for me to find a new job I feel like I'm putting some bizarre pressure on myself to keep it creative, but realistically that's not what I crave. I think I will take inspiration from you and do the arty stuff for myself in my spare time, and cut the pressure and look for a job that suits my priorities now.
ReplyDeleteHere's to opening our eyes to what we want AND what we need.
Gemma x
Faded Windmills
It's a combination of both horrible and enlightening when you realise that you are who you are and no matter how much you try to change a part of you will always creep in. Embracing it is the key, I think. Good luck with your search!
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