Some Days

Some days are those perfect days where you wake up on the right side of the bed with a positive frame of mind and really feel the carpet against your toes as you wander into the kitchen to brew coffee and decant juice. I've been having those days more and more these last few months and I'm so grateful that they come because I've been lacking in them a lot during my life. Struggling with a mental health issue you can't fully control even with prescribed medication sometimes feels like an impossible feat that clutches at your core and squeezes completely disregarding all of the good, nurturing and positive things happening around you. You can be stood in the middle of a room surrounded by people who hold you in the highest regard with the most love for you and feel agonising and crippling pain that is really all relative but similarly soul destroying.

There have been times in my life where I thought it would all be over and when you can't see even a pinprick of light above you as you wallow in your cluster of emotions it leaves you feeling less than pain and completely empty. I've been there several times convinced it was never going to get better but knowing that instead of it gradually mounting to something a little brighter you're flung into euphoria where the colours you see you can almost taste. You feel like you're the centre of everything. I feel like everything moves around me.

And that is bi polar for me.

Every day I wake up on the right side of the bed and I lay there for a moment blinking back the haze of sleep and assess how I feel about that. There are times when my mind doesn't correlate with the way my body feels with it's own condition and that's an issue but really, it's all in that initial assessment. Some days I wish to sink into the sheets, beneath the mattress and lay there with my back flat against the floor in the dark until it passes. Some days I get a coffee, read the local paper and try to avoid celebrity gossip with my toast. Some days I want to buy a boat with money I don't have but will definitely acquire by the afternoon because there's a river that runs through our city and I think the idea is exceptional. Some days I don't know where I am at all and that's an overwhelmingly scary thought that penetrates deeper than my mind and my being and into the lives of everyone around me. It impacts us on every level, especially financially as no person in a position of authority would consider me and this as a workable solution to a vacancy in their company… and that's before you mention the chronic fatigue and pain condition.

But we do. We deal and we muddle through.

It is what it is. I have a history of it genetically and that's the way my cards were dealt. Despite struggling to accept it, understand it, research it, live with it, grow with it and really function with it in all those times when I thought things couldn't right themselves, they did. I still know that what I'm feeling at any given moment may be completely off from what I'm expected to feel but I am mindful to be more grateful and the small things like the carpet rubbing the area between my toes, the way he traces his thumb along the back of my fingers as he holds my hand and the way they stroke my hair while they embrace me cement me to the moment and remind me that wherever my mind goes I have roots; they'll hold me for as long as they are physically able as long as they are nurtured. My aim in life is not to be well now, it is to nurture all that I have when I am able so they can nurture me in return when I am at my most unstable.