The Skin I'm In

I have always been insecure and very self-conscious of myself. I love beautiful people and I always find their face is what draws me to them rather than their body. If someone has a beautiful face made up of attractive features, character, enhancement - well, to me it reveals a lot about a person beyond the actual construction. If I can see joy and love radiating from someone's face it makes them instantly more attractive and I find you can tell someone's personality from the way they enhance certain features, detract from others and make over the rest. This is why portraits are so beautiful to me and it's the area I work on the most in myself, aesthetically speaking.

However, I have never been comfortable in my face. I've been bullied for being ugly pretty much since I can remember and it's lead me to become a little vain. I used to take photographs of myself from every angle scrutinising my wonky nose and buck teeth with too many fillings and not enough consistency in size and shape. It became a trademark for me to keep my lips closed when I smiled to hide my teeth but I was then consistently picked up on pouting because my lips are naturally quite big and protruding. My chin was always too large and prominent, my cheekbones non-existent, my eyes a dreary shade of hazel until they hit a flash and became more green - I was the teenager riddled with imperfections and obsessed by them too.

While I know that no amount of make up will hurt a lovely demeanour or disguise the physical attributes, it does help and I've become less obsessed with hating myself and more about showing off what I have with the use of products. I'm still not happy with my teeth and I still don't like to smile or show my side profile but in my mid-twenties I'm finally becoming a little more comfortable day by day with what I have and it shows a definite history. My mother's nose and chin, my father's face shape and lips, my great grandmother's eyes; it all becomes a part of me and nobody is truly the same which is comforting in a way. I don't think of myself as pretty and inside I'm still very self-conscious but the vanity has served me well in that it has allowed me to see past the areas I would change if I could and realise that a little contouring and a decent bright light can soften even the most harsh of features.

So while I'm working on being comfortable, I'll be over here standing in front of a bright light working on my smile.