On Being A Mother & Learning Curves

Being a mother was never something I planned on at nineteen without the full education I wanted, a stable job or a partner. As soon as I found out I was pregnant with Layla my life spiralled and morphed into something I never could have anticipated and didn't expect. I couldn't live at home with my dad and his partner anymore, that much was clear so I packed my bags and headed into a women's hostel for three weeks during the early stages of pregnancy when morning sickness was more like all day sickness and I didn't feel safe in my little room with bunk beds and then to my sister's house where life changed. There, in the box room the exact reverse of the one I had spent thirteen years of my life in living at home with my mum and dad, things were good. I had support during my high risk pregnancy, I was loved and I was safe but shortly afterward I'd be moving into a converted ground floor disabled flat courtesy of the council where no basic luxury like carpet was provided and there was me. Stood in this little flat with concrete floors and no curtains cradling a uterus in its third trimester wondering what the fuck I was going to do.

I don't know what I did. Whether it was instinct or just the idea of having to do it kicked in and I did it. I breastfed, I raised a baby and I did it with only a few minor meltdowns. I missed my youth, I missed my friends and I missed having money. Being a single mother on benefits can do that to a girl even if she is legally an adult with a responsibility she chose. I would spend my days walking around the estate with the pushchair and watching re-runs of Friends and The Gilmore Girls on E4. I wasn't concerned with making my flat pretty - just practical. Honestly, bathing a one year old in a baby bath because they're terrified of the shower? The struggle is real.

The thing is, life did improve. Three years ago I welcomed Amelia into our family that's now made up of four. Boyfriend came back into our lives and not only became a lover but a father again. After he finished college and got a job and we moved out of that flat into our amazingly spacious rented house, life just seemed to be okay. And things are okay despite the significant struggles of a relationship re-building itself and motherhood plus being your own boss. The point is, things weren't always okay and while it's fine to say that it gets better, in that moment it doesn't ever feel like it. You're a mess, not exactly clean and have had little to no sleep that's unbroken in months - that goes for you with a partner, too! It's tough and it's every day, no backsies and God, that's hard. I'm not an expert but I'd like to share some things that got me through the days when 'one of those days' turns into 'one of those years'.

1. Learn to trust someone with your child from the beginning
The whole 'sleep when the baby sleeps' advice is good but not always possible. Getting a babysitter for some you time is also highly unlikely. If it isn't for you wanting to be with your baby constantly despite exhaustion it's that you don't trust someone with them or that you can't afford one. I had no help for months and even now have little time away with my boyfriend because we don't have a babysitter. If you have someone who can look after your baby even in your home for just a few hours, get yourself adjusted to the idea every day before the baby comes and after. You may not venture out for months after your baby is born but knowing you can trust someone to take the reigns just for an hour can often be a lifesaver.

2. Find a good midwife
It's easy to say and hard to do in the times of budget cuts and staff shortages but it's really important to find a midwife and health visitor that fits you and your family. Having bipolar disorder I was on watch for postnatal depression but two midwives didn't see the signs of it spiralling until I was having anxiety attacks daily and terrified of cot death to the point where I wouldn't sleep and would watch my baby breathing. I brought it up to be told it was 'the baby blues' and with all the news coverage PND gets with psychosis caused by it in a small number of cases it is never worth not being heard if you're truly not feeling right.

3. Don't ever feel guilty about walking away
Is your child safe? If the answer is yes and you need to go away, close the door and breathe/scream/cry for a few minutes - do it. The alternative to not being able to take that break is burn out and if your child is safe and contained, crying for five minutes will not hurt them and it will honestly do more damage to you if you bottle it up. I've done it. I've felt guilty and cried harder because I just had to sit on the floor and sob for a few minutes but when I went back into that room it was a new frame of mind, the ability to console my child and not to make the situation potentially worse that made me realise that hey, if nobody is in danger, it is okay. I promise you. It is okay.

4. Screw the Pinterest early years
Don't feel like everything has to be picture perfect. Don't feel that giving your three year old a cookie as a reward and you need a break is some kind of massive sin. It's a cookie, not hard drugs. If your child wants to play in a box and not a handmade lace tipi, that's okay. If your child hates the idea of homemade play dough and wants to put the cartons of the shop bought stuff on their head, how okay is that? Pro tip: if your house is a mess and your toddler has chocolate on their face, put them in a clean corner, focus right in on them and filter that. Repin!

5. Don't penalise yourself for all you can't be
You may find you struggle with your identity as a mother. Trying to be a partner, mother, employee, cook, friend, cleaner, hobbyist all at once is exhausting. Sometimes things have to be neglected somewhat for you to pull that energy into something else. My house will often be a mess if I'm spending a lot of time with my family and cooking, for instance. I may not see my boyfriend all day if I'm with friends and then coming home to clean and be a mother. I may not see my friends in person for two weeks because I've invested myself in house projects and family time (guilty! Right now, I am so guilty) and it's alright. Make the effort to keep these things alive but don't feel like you have to have all your fingers in all the pies because it's exhausting enough giving everything you have to two or three things at once let alone the long list of things society tells you you need to be.

These aren't solid briefs. I am not an expert and things are not right 100% of the time in my home or family but they did help me a hell of a lot during those years where I was struggling. There are so many resources online from Mumsnet.com which I love to Twitter where you can connect, talk, ask for advice and moan when things are tough. The support I've had online is, dare I say, superior to that offline. We are all very quick to help online, to talk and talk for hours and share our experiences but offline unless you have a close group of friends at the same point in their lives it can be more difficult. Use everything you can to fulfil yourself and that, in turn will filter into your life. I'm not the baby group kind of mum and it's actually my idea of hell for the most part but online it's a breeze.

It's all a big learning curve. You'll learn by doing like we did as children. We'll learn from mistakes and hope if we have another child we'll do it better and we'll promise that things will be perfect this time around but they mostly aren't. Even if you've done it before, doing it again is difficult and splitting your life even more can be tiring and confusing. I think the best we can all hope for is a good dose of positivity, anecdotes in life accounts from people who have made it through and that one day we may be able to share our own advice to those struggling and help in a constructive way. I really, truly hope I've helped someone. I remember nineteen year old me and she wasn't in the best place and if I can help any one of you feel less alone, my tears and loneliness will have been worth it.