On Recoupling & Where I've Been

It's been two weeks now since I unconsciously uncoupled from my boyfriend of almost five years. 'Conscious Uncoupling' wasn't a phrase I'd use to describe what happened but two weeks later and I'm finally feeling much better about the situation. I learned a lot about myself in the immediate days following the incident and now I'm looking at things with a positive yet measured view. Why doesn't anyone tell you that getting back together is possibly more difficult than the break up? While we're not in happy times and it's not the best situation right now that's full of laughter and joy akin to the honeymoon period we are getting through and mostly it's by not labelling it as something more than it is. To borrow a phrase from Gwyneth Paltrow's word-y fame, we're recoupling. It's difficult with the suspicion, lack of trust, doubt and anxiety but it is working and while it is slow and oftentimes painful recounting the many issues in our relationship that have been glazed over for too long in favour of other more pressing matters it is going. Like the little engine that could.

The worst part is that is was a slow descent to this breakdown of communication and abuse of trust and respect. It wasn't something simple that you can just put your finger on the issue and say "Yes, that there. That was it" such as infidelity - more a slow gaslit emotional abuse cycle that had to be broken somewhere. We were both working so hard on our own lives to get things to come together with the ultimate goal of our family that we lost our family in the process. It's hard to come to terms with and harder to repair but where there's love, there's hope. I remain entirely sceptical about a happily ever after and mostly feel rather ashamed that I allowed things to bypass my boundaries by miles and allow myself to be so riddled with anxiety over a person but I believe that it doesn't matter whether we come out of this thing married with rings on our fingers or separately with a new found appreciation of ourselves - it's the journey. I'd love to say more but a lot of it is so personal I'm not entirely sure on how to put it into words for someone else to read or empathise with. Also there's the fact that I just don't know and not knowing is one of my personal stressors and bug bears.

In the absence of stability there has been a lot less focus and motivation around these parts. I've been working but I've been very sporadic and I really do think I did too much too soon with the mentality that I had to get up and get on with it. I've tried to remain as reliable and open to communication as possible but find myself completely tuning out, making silly errors and in the end closing the laptop to just sit there with my eyes closed for a few minutes at a time. When I open them I don't feel like working. I feel like coffee, Dairy Milk with Ritz crackers, long cotton t-shirts with bare legs and Season 9 of Criminal Minds. I've not taken photos nor tried any new beauty products and sitting down to write has been something of a task that hasn't truly panned out. But enough of what I haven't been doing well - let's talk about what I have.

I've painted the old grey dining room a brilliant white. It took 12 litres of paint and 20 hours by myself but I am proud. In the coming weeks it really will become the office with a big white desk, high backed desk chair, peonies in a vase, throws over the arm chair and prints on the wall. I've been consulting my Pinterest Perfect Home board for lots of inspiration and jotting down specific features in my notebook that I'd like to incorporate. People seem to think of white as modern, clinical or boring but I think white is a perfect blank canvas to layer texture, colour and print and to make it as cosy, vintage or fun as possible. White is my colour. Clean, airy, fresh and I see more in a white wall than in a brightly coloured room. Full of possibility much alike my life at this point. I will be adding a glittered geometric wall to the girls' (almost) white room in the next week or two too so watch out for photos of that - if you want to see my inspiration and a completed wall where the idea came from it's all thanks to Kaelah from thecluelessgirl.com.