"I'm Fine, I'm Just Tired"

"I'm fine. I'm just tired". That seems to be a common statement from me in the past two weeks. I've definitely not been myself. I've been low and utterly devastated at some points combined with enough to do to fill three days worth that I'm trying to fit into one. I've not felt helpless - I've actually felt strong. It's like I've had enough and something switched on in my brain that made me realise I don't have to be treated like I'm worthless and I can give people the option to simply leave my life. And so I did.

One of my best friends has really hurt me and doesn't seem to register how much at all. I've been used and lied to and when I brought it up that I felt terrible about it she cut me off. Barely spoke to me at all. In the end I realised a true friend doesn't dictate what you can and can't talk about. You talk about whatever the other person needs to think through and that's so true of my other friends I don't know why I was putting up with it.

My father has begun treating me and my children with the same consideration he gave to me as a child; none - like an inconvenience with his life. My life and finances seem to be spread throughout the rest of my family before I get wind of it from my father's partner and honestly, I've felt a bit lost. I wish he would see me as his daughter, as someone he should stand up for but instead he sees me as a separate entity and I'm sure the only reason he bothers the slight amount he does is because of the girls. We have never had a great relationship even though we lived together for eighteen years. He was invisible to me because there was never family time - he'd always have something better to do like work and hobbies and as a result I clung to my mum, bampi and nan. Sadly my mum and nan have now passed away but my bampi is like my father in every conceivable way and I know that despite it all I am so lucky to have him.

I've been receiving a lot of online abuse this past week. It started last Sunday with a few direct messages on Twitter calling me names. That's fine, I have no problem with it. Then I started to receive emails from various hotmail accounts saying they know where I live, that I don't deserve my children, insinuating that I abuse my children, that I am this, that and the other and I should stop blogging because nobody cares. And for a minute, I believed it. I allowed myself to succumb to the vitriol showing from other people's personalities until I realised that's just not good enough. Is that a reason to stop writing? I am a great mother, I am a hard worker, I love fiercely and I am always honest so I don't understand why people feel the need to be so vile.

A lot of people thought I received hate due to the rant about my best friend Jennifer Lawrence yesterday but I welcome opposing opinions. People really took it the wrong way but I didn't mean to suggest she should undergo rigorous PR training in all aspects of her appearances but to really look at the mixed messages she is sending young girls - the same fans she didn't want starving to look like Katniss Everdeen - when she says she eats everything in sight and doesn't exercise but contradicts herself with the fact that she does have a strict diet and exercise schedule. We all expect her to eat and train differently out of work but sweeping statements like that are impressionable to young girls and we should be promoting body confidence, acceptance and health, not contradictions. As for calling for being called fat on TV to be illegal - well, that's just not a well thought out statement at all. However, this is not the reason for the abuse. I have only received opinions rather than vile hatred which is what I wanted to promote. Discussion is healthy, abuse is not.

It has all really taken it's toll on me and made me not even want to write this post or any other until that switch flicked and I realised I am not giving up something I enjoy even if I'm the only one reading what I write. As for discussion about my family and home life, I really don't think that is something that anyone should be commenting on whatsoever as it's not only damaging to myself but it could also have very real real-life consequences.

"Throw me to the wolves and I will come back leading the pack"